I am NOT a child I am fifteen I am psychotic crazy loopy and I am dying but I am okay and maybe it's better to say I was dying but I am not now.

My feet are not running no they are in a cot they are strapped down they are immobile because there is no wind here and no sunshine or grass or pretty flowers or movies and music.

Right leg back left leg back maybe sometimes left leg back and right leg back but there's no use it to it anymore because I am only a speck of dust I am lost and cast away and it makes me realize how many of them there actually are.

I see bubbles and they are blue and beautiful and rainbow but only rainbows of the color blue and they remind me of the ocean and how I've always loved the ocean and The Little Mermaid and fish and coral and seashells and swimming and sand and beautiful sunsets over the water where the sun turns the entire sky red orange and violet and it's so beautiful and breathtaking and how I would give anything to live there and see that again.

WHO am I and who's girl am I keeps running through my head simultaneously because I am lost.

There is green and turquiose but it is not beautiful like the ocean gray green blue like my eye color like my grandma's eyes too but the special color they must make for hospitals that always makes me sick.

I close my eyes and I race myself I race myself with my right leg back left leg back because I am only a child and a speck of dust.

My name my name my name what have you gotten yourself into you can't keep doing this to yourself you need help I am very dissapointed in you you are in big trouble when you get home do you hear me BIG trouble you are on your own with this one I am not going to help you anymore.

Right leg back left leg back I wish I could run and listen to My Girl and sit on the sand at the beach and watch the sun go down into the ocean with the sun streaking with red and orange and pink and violet and I wish I could race one more time.

Nurse nurse am I hallucinating I call and the bubbles get bigger and I am not thinking about living or dying because my mind is too busy thinking about running and racing and MY GIRL and the ocean and the beautiful sunset on the ocean and sand and fish and right leg back left leg back and sometimes left leg back right leg back and she answers back yes you may as well be.

I am not thinking about living or dying because I do not care and instead I am only thinking about not having enough time and being messed up on 200 pills because I overdosed and My Girl by The Temptations and racing running with the wind and not against it.

I am a speck of dust only a speck of dust and it doesn't matter because there are so many of them.

I want to go home to run and sit on the beach and swim and watch the sunset on the ocean and see my mother because I needed her like a child needs their mother but she doesn't love me anymore and I don't love her even though I tried and tried and I just can't help the fact that there's nothing there I guess so I think right leg back left leg back that is how you run!

I think about how I don't need no money fortune or fame and how I have everything I need and how this is my cloudy day and that's okay because I have sunshine and that I have sunshine on a cloudy day.

WHO AM I.

The beach on the ocean is so beautiful at spring time and the sunset with the sky turning red orange pink and violet was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen and I keep thinking about how I want to see it again and I want to listen to My Girl and race with my right leg back left leg back and sometimes left leg back right leg back and I want my parents but my mother and I don't love each other and my father says he needs to teach me a lesson.

My legs are immobile and I think it is because there is no wind here or movies or music or pretty flowers or grass and all I want to do is move and run and to be sure of whether I am going to live or die because I would be happy with either.

I am not a child I am fifteen and psychotic and crazy and loopy and stupid and one among millions who are psychotic and crazy and loopy too who want to hear music and see sunshine and grass and pretty flowers and movies and the red orange and violet sunset on the ocean because it's so beautiful and there is nothing in the world like it.

I am not a child running with the wind right leg back left leg back I am a crazy psychotic loopy fifteen-year-old girl in the emergency room because she almost killed herself and she is crazy crazy crazy.

I am getting yelled at but I don't know who by YOU LIED YOU LIED YOU LIED she screams and she is a counscellor and she is very angry with me although I don't know why and I think that she must be almost as crazy as I am but then I think twice because I was talking to her but I can't remember what I said.

I feel like a child trapped in my body the same way a woman is trapped in a man's body and a man is trapped in a women's body and I know how they feel because I feel like a child trapped in a teenager's body all the time.

I closed my eyes and this time I didn't have to try to race myself race myself because my mind was already racing thinking about running and floating and dancing and My Girl and The Little Mermaid and sand on the beach and the sunsets on the ocean and how it makes the sky red orange and violet and how I run with my right leg back left leg back and sometimes left leg back right leg back.

I go to sleep and I wonder if I will ever wake up not that it mattered because I would be happy with either and I went to sleep with right leg back left leg back and My Girl and running racing floating and the sunsets at the ocean on my mind.